Well, it seems that anything and everything can be turned into a musical these days, so here are the
WORDSMITH'S
ideas for new
WEST END MUSICALS!
All we need is a composer, and we're on our way! Oh, and someone to write the lyrics, too. And a wealthy impresario as well, now I think of it...

Possibly coming soon to a theatre near you...
BOOK EARLY TO ENSURE DISAPPOINTMENT!

 

The Lonely Little Virus.

A salutary tale about a virus who was orphaned when her entire family was wiped out by evil arch-villain Doctor Vax, who meets his nemesis, Doctor No-Vax, hero of the viruses, who is plotting to save them and take over the world. The Lonely Little Virus enjoys many adventures, making new friends and eventually joining a gang of germs whose leader, Top Bug, is known as T.B.

Dramatis personae:

Germoleen, the Lonely Little Virus (screeching child-soprano)

Doctor Vax (bass)

Doctor No-Vax (tenor)

Madame La Gripe (mezzo)

Babyface Measles (castrato)

Juan Flu (tenor)

Marco Polio (baritone)

Old Gran Green (mezzo) and her mob, the Gang Greenies.

Bill Harzia (tenor)

Chuck Beriberi (bass)

T.B. (non-singing role)

          Songs include We are the Old Gang Greenies, and Ebola bowl a ball a penny a pitch

A Wilson, Keppel and Betty tribute act will perform The  Plagues of Egypt Sand Dance during the intermission.

***

 

 

FRED and ROSE go WEST

If you want bad taste, we've got it in spades!

Forced to leave Gloucester in search of new lives, Fred and his devoted wife, Rose, relocate what’s left of the family to Texas where they get their just deserts at the hands of a family of cannibals.

Mise en scène: somewhere deep in the heart of Texas, almost present day.

Dramatis personae:

Fred (oktavist)

Rose, his wife (contralto)

Chorus of assorted serial killers, inbred mutants, and a bunch of attractive but unbelievably stupid high school kids on a road trip...

 

Songs include Second-hand Rose, and that all-time favourite, Oh, constable, don’t dig up the patio…

A Gertie Gitana tribute act will perform Queen of the Cannibal Isles for some light relief in the intermission.

 

‘…a real delight for all the family’ The Times.

‘The best family night out ever!’ The Watchtower

Catch it before it's banned!’  The Tablet

Mighty thwacking hit of show! Not to be missed’ The Beano

***

 

 

It's June, Dad!

Inspired by that irritating television advertisement for insurance for older folk...

A bitter-sweet tale of a man and his quest to find an insurance policy which will cover the cost of his funeral, with a bit left over for the family.

Mise en scène: England, Metro-land, about 1935, teatime on a summer afternoon, and I'd say it's Wednesday by the look of it...

Dramatis personae:

Dad, the main protagonist (tenor)

June, his neighbour (alto)

Daughter, his daughter (soprano)

Mary, his long-suffering wife and fanatical grower of parsnips (contralto)

Rose, Dad’s mistress whom he meets regularly in the garden centre after funerals, especially if it was a lovely service (mezzo)

Sonny Life, an insurance salesman (bass-baritone)

Pa Snip, Dad's aged and bed-ridden father-in-law (home-bass-baritone)

Chorus of neighbours, street urchins, street walkers, jolly costermongers, insurance salesmen, and sundry persons of doubtful repute.

 

Songs include June is bust so it's all over; Is that a parsnip in your pocket? and the showstopper Oops, I've sat on me parsnip, Ma!

 

Warning: this show contains graphic violence, nudity and scenes of a very sexually explicit nature.

***

 

 

When Tony Passed…

Putting the fun back into funeral!

 

Inspired by another irritating television sales pitch - one for funerals, oft seen three times in one ad break on some channels...

A musical extravaganza about the funeral of  a man named Antony, and the joyous celebration of his death.

Mise en scène: Edinburgh, the year 1828.

Dramatis personae:

Antony, chief of a motorcycle gang

Antonia, his wife

Antonietta, their daughter

Antony Junior, their son (a.k.a Half-Tone)

Antony Junior II, their second son (a.k.a Two-Tone)

Members of the gang: Anton; Antonio; Antonin; Antoni; Antonius; Antonioni; Anton-Deck

Others:

Billy Burke, a Resurrectionist

Nelly, his wife (a.k.a Death Nell)

Willy Hare (a.k.a Pubes), another Resurrectionist, Burke’s business partner

Maggie, his slatternly wife (a.k.a Dirty Mags)

Dr Knox (a.k.a Opportunity Knox)

Greyfriars Bobby, the local police constable

Chorus of Resurrection Men, Biker people, Byker people, Beaker people

 

Funeral flowers by Wilt & Dye of Bloomsbury, London; cars provided by Patty Hearse.

***

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I declare after all there is no enjoyment like Reading!" 
- Shane Austen, Slough.

 

©2025 DJ DARTON. All rights reserved.

We need your consent to load the translations

We use a third-party service to translate the website content that may collect data about your activity. Please review the details in the privacy policy and accept the service to view the translations.