Just as our language does, this dictionary will expand and evolve...
Aa
abattoir: where Swedish pop groups get slaughtered.
adultery: day-care centre for grown-ups.
adverbs: words used by people when trying to sell you something.
air fryer: a cooking utensil; originally popularised by a mendicant religious order in south-west Scotland, the Ayr Friars.
artificial intelligence: a pretence of being clever, effected to make person or thing appear knowledgeable, and used to mask ignorance and stupidity.
avatar: a pioneer in flying machines.
awesome: this word is now meaningless due misuse.
Bb
badger: person who makes or sells badges.
bandana: an elongated fruit, usually yellow in colour with rather off-putting black markings which make it look disgusting.
Bangalore: great place for an orgy.
belfry: to cook an idiophonic object in hot fat or oil, which seems like a pointless and stupid thing to do (also see air fryer above).
bling: this word does not exist.
burkha: an idiot or fool (in Italy).
Cc
cahoots: places where laughable conspiracies are conducted, possibly involving owls.
celebrity: delusional self-publicist with no skill, talent or self-respect, usually unloved and in need of attention.
coney: round, pointy and made from rabbit fur.
coolant: fashionably attractive or impressive insect of the Formicidae family.
coup: sound made by doves and pigeons.
Dd
damnation: a country with many reservoirs.
debag: used by people with colds to make hot herbal infusions.
debunk: to push someone out of bed.
degrade: the exam result.
detergent: to put a man off doing the washing-up.
detest: the exam.
devote: to disenfranchise a person.
diacritic: not a fan of the late Princess of Wales.
disagree: this is in accord with...
dissent: this has been dispatched.
dissenter: this is the middle of... (a thing or place).
dudgeon: room in a castle for locking up people with colds.
dysentery: in the present one hundred year period.
Ee
Earnest: place where serious activities are conducted.
ease: recreational drugs.
egotistical: claiming to have large bollocks in South Africa.
emu: noise made by cats in Yorkshire.
exsanguination: a country of once hopeful people.
Ff
No F-words.
Gg
germination: a country with many diseases.
Hh
hamlet: a child actor with no talent.
hedgehog: person in charge of a hedge fund.
hegemony: what you invest in a hedge fund.
high dudgeon: upper room in a castle for locking up people with colds.
Hope: popular residential area.
hornet: a thing used to catch sex workers.
huff: a conveyance in which bad-tempered people depart.
Ii
icon: first person singular of the verb to con (icon, yukon, he/she/it cons etc).
iconic: this word is now meaningless due to misappropriation and overuse.
infantry: a childish effort.
influencer: highly infectious and potentially fatal sickness, usually spread through social media contact (also see celebrity).
injury: opposite of out jury. Obviously.
Jj
Kk
kindred: fear of one's family.
Ll
lactose: deficient in pedal phalanges.
lactose intolerant: irrational prejudice against people deficient in pedal phalanges.
lamentable: worst place to be seated in a restaurant.
landgrave: alternative to burial at sea.
locomotive: a mad excuse.
Mm
mandate: a male palm fruit.
mandolin: scaly quadruped.
mangroves: an area of boscage where gay men go for sex (for example Hampstead Heath).
margrave: seaside town in Kent.
mastic: mother’s nervous twitch.
mastiff: mother's minor disagreement.
matricide: chemical used to delouse items of woven floor covering.
münchausen: a German restaurant.
münchausen syndrome: an irrational love for German restaurants; it is recognised as a mental illness.
mushroom: a spacious chamber.
Mysore: usually follows Bangalore (see above).
Nn
nordic: lacking a penis.
nudibranch: hmmm... suggestions on a postcard to the usual address please.
nursery: day-care centre for nurses.
.
Oo
osterreich: a large flightless bird native to Africa.
Pp
pangolin: musical instrument, useful for playing scales.
pannier: more like a pan.
pantiles: where to find undergarments in a department store.
participants: half-frozen undergarments.
pathologist: one who studies paths.
pole: a post impressionist.
post impressionist: usually a pole.
pumpkin: incest.
Rr
recycle: to go again on a bike.
retard: a recently resurfaced road.
retrograde: vintage-style exam result.
rosary: a herb; often used in combination with thyme.
rumination: thought to be a large country.
Ss
sackbut: person with a large arse.
scandal: open latticed footwear which attracts ridicule when worn with socks.
scratch: a place of origin; material used in manufacturing some objects.
semiotics: half-stupid people.
sentry: place for dispatching letters, parcels etc.
sibling: a small sible.
simony: like Simon.
spa: "it's father".
squalid: a dirty cephalopod.
suitcase: a portmanteau word.
supplies: an unexpected event in China (sorry).
syntax: money raised by the Catholic Church from the sale of Indulgences.
Tt
taliban: an interdict on counting.
tapir: more like a tape.
trivet: something used to fix sheets of metal together in Yorkshire.
tardigrade: a late exam result.
Uu
Vv
Vain: place where some people go to fight, die or do other things, and where some people do not.
vexillologist: one who irritates others with his knowledge of flags.
Ww
woke: the past participle of the verb to wake (archaic); this word has been rendered meaningless in modern usage.
wolfgang: a pack of wolves.
Xx
Yy
yukon: see icon.
Zz
"I declare after all there is no enjoyment like Reading!"
- Shane Austen, Slough.
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